Say No Without Saying a Word

Two ways to say no without having to say no

A bonus special report by Ned Kraft

Welcome – thanks so much for signing up for my list. In this free special report, I’ll give you two places in your life where you can say no without even having to utter a word.

This is a subset of my “Say No & Feel Great” audio program. The techniques have been used successfully by hundreds of people. As you will see when you receive my newsletters, I like to keep things short so that you can get benefit without having to invest a large amount of time, so I’ll get right to it.

If you feel overloaded or overwhelmed, there’s a decent chance that you have trouble saying no. It’s natural and normal. We are trained as children that the adults are the only ones who get to say “No”. Until we become a parent ourselves, we may never be encouraged to say no. In fact, many of us were encouraged to please everyone and do all that was asked.

I’ll give you two ways that you can say no without saying a word. Both of these will help you save time and energy, and may even help to save your sanity. Let’s start with number one, which is:

STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP!

Just consider it – what if you would stop beating yourself up? How would that feel?

This is a personal favorite of mine. I often beat myself up for decisions that I make or actions that I take, or even took years or decades ago. But the good news, when I remember to say no to self-abuse, I have more time and energy for me and for my family. It’s been said many times in many ways, and yet we still forget. You’ve heard your friends, family, or loved ones say this to you before, right?

“Cut yourself some slack.”

“Give yourself a break."

Or my personal favorite, “Give yourself a ****** break!”

Think about it – how much energy would we all have to do productive and useful activities if we could just be a little nicer to ourselves. Also, when we beat ourselves up, we aren’t the only ones who suffer.

Think about it – when someone you love beats themselves up for past crimes, either real or perceived. How do you feel?

Not great, right?

Now look at it the other way. When you beat yourself up, how do you think that makes those that love you feel?

That’s right – not very good.

So – if you are thinking that this may be a selfish activity and you need to punish yourself to keep yourself in line. Or maybe you don’t deserve to treat yourself well. Think not only about the energy that you are wasting, but also think of the energy drain that you are heaping on those you love most.

Here’s a great opportunity for you to say “No” right now.

You may be thinking – gee, when I beat myself up, I make my wife, friends, or family feel bad.

What’s the next thought – if you are anything like me or the majority of the people that I know, the next thought will be self-punishment.

Kind of ridiculous – I make people feel bad by punishing myself, and then I punish myself for it. Sit for a moment and think about this. Think of how beating yourself up can become a loop that continues to repeat itself.

The only escape from this cycle of crime and punishment is to say NO to beating yourself up and YES to giving yourself a break. Think about it – if you had a friend who beat you up mentally as much as you do, how would you feel about that friend. You’d probably want to fire them or at least spend less time with them. Or maybe you would talk to them about how they treat you.

Sit with this for a moment. What if you treated yourself as a trusted friend?

Really – what if you treated yourself as the child who wrecked their bike and needs a little tender loving care?

How would that feel? It’s not easy, but you can practice.

When you find yourself saying yes to self-abuse, just notice it. Set an intention for your future and consider this question. “Next time I find myself being unkind to myself, what will I do?”

This can be a difficult question, as we have been trained to punish ourselves for our own crimes.

Take it easy on yourself. Consider this – my belief - punishment for a crime once is justice, continuous punishment for the same crime is abuse.

Consider this question for a moment. “What will I do the next time I am being unkind to myself?”

Lots of choices here – I’ll give you a few – there is an almost infinite set of opportunities.

1. Give myself a break and treat myself as I would a trusted friend.
2. Take the volume down a bit on the negative self-talk.
3. Shorten the time that I spend punishing myself.
4. Decide that I will set a timer and spend only one minute on abusing myself and then get onto something productive or enjoyable.
5. Ask someone who cares about me whether I am punishing myself appropriately.
6. Make up your own.

Pick one – one that really works for me is the “set a timer” version. You can decide that you are going to do this for an entire minute (or 5 minutes if you’re really fired up). Spend that entire time really going for it. Really dress yourself down. Break down the behavior and your inadequacies. Do it as if you were reprimanding someone mercilessly.

If you try it for an entire minute, you’ll probably find that it becomes tiring and then almost funny because you can see the senselessness of it all.

So that’s number 1 – give yourself a break.

Say NO to self abuse. Say NO to beating yourself up.

Now, on to number two.

Lots of people tell me – “I’m a people pleaser.” Or “My mom told me that saying No was bad.”

That’s great. You don’t need to say no to save yourself time and energy.

If you are a parent or really do a lot of charity work, this can save you 10 hours every week and untold frustration WHILE it raises your energy.

Stop volunteering!

Really – just by shutting up and sitting on your hands you can save hours each week.

One woman I know had been missing from the gym for almost a year. She showed up, probably about 30 pounds heavier and a lot less energetic and happy. I asked her where she had been and she said – “I spent all of my time at the kid’s school for the last year. I didn’t have any time for myself.”

I then asked her what had changed. Since I’m big on saying no, I asked her, “Did you learn to say no.”

She smiled, shook her head and said – “No, I still can’t say no.”

I asked, “Well what happened?”

She smiled even bigger and said, “I just stopped volunteering.”

I’ve seen both sides of this. Once we volunteer, we get into the loop of volunteering and people expect us to give more and more to the cause or the organization.

Saying no to volunteering is easiest at the start. If you have joined a new organization or are at “back to school night” for your children I will make this request.

Sit on your hands and shut your mouth.

It can save you hours of frustration and work – it might even save your sanity or relationship.

Really – sit on your hands and shut up!

Especially if you are new in an organization. Sit back – watch how they treat their volunteers. See how the volunteers talk about the work.

Do they say, “Boy this takes a lot of time.” Or do they say, “It’s nice, I spend a couple of hours a week here and it is really rewarding.”

You can tell if you pay attention. Especially if you have kids.

Would spending more time with the parents of the other children or the teachers serve your children more than if you spent 1-on-1 time instead of volunteering.

Although a lot of people get mad at me about this, I think that most parents if they look closely could honestly spend more time with their kids and it would work out well.

You may be thinking something like, “Come on Ned. If everyone said NO to volunteering, how would everything get done?”

It wouldn’t. So get over it – everything will not EVER get done.

Really – do the math – if there are 100 volunteers, people will find work to fill their time.

How many organizations or schools say – “we have enough people. We have enough resources. Why don’t you all go home and play with your kids.”

None that I have ever seen.

It’s a choice to make – if you want to practice saying no while not having to come out and say it, give this a try.

Is volunteering more important that spending extra time with your family, your friends, or your favorite activity?

We all want to make a difference, but let’s consider the cost of making the difference. By living full lives doing what we love we make the biggest difference that I can imagine. We live a happy life and can share that.

And what’s better than that.

Thanks for taking a few minutes to read along with me.

Drop me a note at ned@nedkraft.com and let me know what you think.

If you have a topic you’d like me to cover, you can drop a note and request something specific for a future newsletter. Or if you think it’s right on, too short, too long, or whatever drop me a note. I always learn, even I sometimes don’t like the message that much.

If you want to learn more about my program “Say No and Feel Great”, click below:

www.nedkraft.com/saynoandfeelgreat

Thanks again and have a great life!

Ned